GA Price

TITLE: Behind the Scenes: The Making of X-Men

AUTHOR: Hannurdock

RATING:PG

WARNINGS:Definitely InsaNe!

STORY TYPE: Script

CATEGORY: AU, Humour

LENGTH: One-Off

DISCLAIMER: The characters are property of Cannell and company. 


CROSSOVER WITH TAT, SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, X-MEN MOVIE.


Cast;
Iceman - Murdock
Professeur Xavier - Hannibal
Wolverine - BA Baracus
Storm - Mrs B.
Cyclops - Tempelton Faceman Peck
Jean Grey AKA The Phoenix! - Amy Amanda Allen
Rogue - Tawnia
Toad - Colonel Lynch
Magneto - Colonel Decker


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CREDITS: ........ PRODUCTION COMPANY ... STOCKWELL CORPORATION .............. PRODUCER ... STOCKWELL ................ CO PRODUCER ... STOCKWELL ....................WARDROBE ... ARMANI (Face wanted it that way) .................... EXTRA'S ... THE VA .................... CAMERA'S ... MR X & CO. (Some big dude from The X-Files that no-one ever really found out the identity of)


Introducing Captain Crane as DAVID.


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READY ..... AIM (put that gun away, Mr X!) ....... ACTION ......

Mutants. An evolution of the human species. A transition from homo-sapien to homo-superior in which powers immeasurable increase the abilities of our human bodies. I am Col .... aherm .... Professeur Xavier, teacher of the school and this is our story ......

-------- AN OUTRAGEOUSLY LOUD SOUNDTRACK HERE --------

..... SCENE ONE: A YOUNG GIRL IS DISCOVERING HER MUTANT ABILITIES .....

CRANE: So ..... ya ever been kissed gal?

TAWNIA: *secretive smile, if only they knew how many times ....* I was beginning to think I would never be kissed by someone as handsome as yourself, someone with such a firm body and bright teeth .......

STOCKWELL: Cut, Cut, CUTTTT!!!! Freeze my bollocks! Could you be any more wooden, Ms. Baker? Try having a little more oooomppph. Where'd I get this cast from? What did I ever do to deserve this? Start again, Mr X .... camera's please!!

MR X: *regards Stockwell with raised eyebrows. he knows that this film is a concept leading to a government conspiracy, and that Roswell was actually the name of the alien's mother, Area 51 was the genitals of a huge movie star, and that Kennedy shot himself trying to get rid of invisible insects*

-------- AN OUTRAGEOUSLY LOUD SOUNDTRACK HERE --------

..... SCENE ONE: A YOUNG GIRL IS DISCOVERING HER MUTANT ABILITIES .....

CRANE: So ..... ya ever been kissed gal?

TAWNIA: *secretive smile, if only they knew how many times ....* I was beginning to think I would never, the way you kept talkin' about the moon and the stars ......*

............ CRANE LEANS IN AND KISSES TAWNIA.

STOCKWELL: *hisses* Okay enough, Crane.

............ CRANE STILL KISSES TAWNIA.

STOCKWELL: I said ENOUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

......... CRANE STARTS TO COUGH FURIOUSLY AND WHEN HE LOOKS UP LITTLE LINES COVER HIS FACE. TAWNIA BACKS AWAY, CLEAVING TO THE WALL. THEN SHE KICKS HIM HARD WITH HER LEFT LEG.

TAWNIA: Get away from me, you bastard! I'm not that bad!!!

STOCKWELL: Easy Baker. Remember your lines.

TAWNIA: *begins to cry pathetically, which makes the team members snigger from behind the camera's in their little coffee lounge* help me! help me! I'm not that bad!!!!!

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SCENE 2: MUTANT CONVENTION ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CITY.

AMY: So mutants aren't bad at all. Dear Senators and people of the great city of Noname, I implore you to re-consider your facts and listen to reason. Mutants aren't harmful. We don't spread diseases, eat bugs, wet on bear skin rugs or eat Kelloggs Cornflakes using a comotosed animal. We are simply ....... US".

..... FROM THE EXECUTIVE LOUNGE OF THE MUTANT CONVENTION, HANNIBAL GLARES DOWN ON THE PROCEDINGS WITH UNEASE.

HANNIBAL: *looks extremely pissed off* I hate this damned city.

...... BACK TO AMY .... OR TRIPLE 'A' - 'AN ANNOYING ASSHOLE' BY THE TEAM GLANCES AROUND AT THE STONEY FACES AROUND HER.

AMY: To be honest, I don't give a rat's shit what you think anyway. I'm going. Its like talking to a bunch of mindless zombies.

....... AMY STALKS OFF THE STAGE IN A FURY, HOWEVER THE REAL CAUSE FOR HER SUDDEN FLIGHT IS A SUDDEN NICOTINE NEED. SHE JOINS FACE BEHIND THE SET FOR A QUICK CIGARETTE.

........ HANNIBAL SUDDENLY 'SENSES' THE PRESCENCE OF HIS OLD ENEMY, DECKER IN THE CROWD, LEAVING. THE COLOGNE DECKER IS WEARING IS HIS CUSTOMARY BLEND OF FOUL SMELLING CHEAP GARBAGE PERFUME. HANNIBAL WHEELS HIS CHAIR OUT TO DECKER STANDING AT THE RAIL, THROWING ROLLED UP BALLS OF PAPER AT THE PASSING CROWD.

HANNIBAL: What are you doing here, Magneto?

DECKER: Can't you guess with your psycik powers, Charles? *gestures to his temples* After all, you knew I was here.

HANNIBAL: Its that damned scent you always wear. Stands out a mile, I always know when you near becuase it smells like Garbage day.

DECKER: *laughs without mirth* What are you looking for Charles?

HANNIBAL: I'm looking for dope.

DECKER: Sorry, I'm not your man. But if you go to the homeless guy on the corner he might have some. We are the future Xavier, not those pathetic mortals you protect. *Decker turns and leaves*

HANNIBAL: *lights a cigar* Typical.

STOCKWELL: CUT!!! Excellent job you guys! Hannibal, you need to work out a bit, you have to be faster at wheeling yourself around for the next scene.

MR X: *is not amused. if only they knew* *chuckles evilly to himself*

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SCENE 3: ROGUE STINKS

TAWNIA: You sure you don't mind givin' me a lift?

BA: *sniffs the air* You smell awful.

TAWNIA: I haven't had a bath for over two months now! Quite a record.

BA: *growl*

................... SUDDENLY THE CAR THEY ARE IN GETS CAUGHT IN A FALLING TREE AND BA CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDSCREEN WITH TERRIFYING IMPACT. HE SLIDES TO A STOP IN THE SNOW AND GETS UP SHAKILY. THE CAR COMES TO REST AFTER FLIPPING OVER TWICE AND EXPLODING THREE TIMES.

BA: You okay?

TAWNIA: Yes, but I'm stuck here.

BA: *Wanders over slowly, hoping vehicle will explode once more and finish her off* Can't do anything, sorry.

TAWNIA: Hey! I wanna get out of here! Get me out!!

........ SUDDENLY A SWIRL OF WIND ALERTS BA TO THE PRESCENCE OF MRS B. STANDING IN THE SNOW. BESIDE HER IS FACE, DRESSED IN YELLOW SPANDEX WITH A MASK THAT MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. BESIDE HIM IS MURDOCK PLAYING WITH A SNOWBALL, AND TRYING TO HIT A SMALL RABBIT RUNNING IN THE SNOW.

FACE: Need some help here? Storm, go and assist these non-X-Men average type mutants.

MRS B.: Anything you say Cyc. Although I must get home to bake my speciality roast this evening so we'll have to make it quick.

TAWNIA: I'm stuck!! Help me!!

FACE: *Ignores Tawnia* I'm Cyclops, nice to meet you Logan.

MURDOCK: Hey, I'm Iceman, otherwise know as Frosty Chilly Willy.

MRS B.: I am the Storm.

FACE: Shall we get movin'? Professeur X is waiting to meet you, Wolverine.

BA: How'd ya know my name sucka! I'm gonna bust you up good if you lie to me!

FACE: Lets just say ..... Professeur X has some ....... *smirks slyly* interest .... in you.

BA: I aint gay!

FACE: *looks disappointed* He won't be pleased. But you'd better come with us anyway.

TAWNIA: What about me!! Hellllpppp!!

....... SCENE ENDS WITH FACE, BA, MURDOCK AND MRS B. WALKING AWAY, LEAVING TAWNIA STRANDED IN THE CAR. IT BLOWS UP A FEW MOMENTS AFTER.

STOCKWELL: Cut people! Scene's a wrap!

TAWNIA: Hold on a sec! You didn't say I'd get killed in the first few moments of the film!!

STOCKWELL: With acting as bad as yours, your lucky you were in it at all. Next scene people, make it snappy!!!!

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SCENE 4: X-MEN MANSION

.......... SCENE CUTS TO TEAM MANSION WITH FIGHTER JET AND MOTOR BIKES THAT CAN GO TWICE THE SPEED OF LIGHT. THERE IS SOFT TOP CONVERTABLES, PORCHES, ROLLS ROYCES, DIRTY MONEY ....

HANNIBAL: *shy* Nice to meet you, Wolverine.

BA: Nice to meet you too man. I wanna have a car.

HANNIBAL: Choose whichever one you want. We have a river of dirty money running through this place. Its very cool. We have a hot shot banker called Andy Dufrain who does all our ..... aherm ... financial needs.

BA: Why'd your guys wear that yellow spandex, man. It looks funny.

HANNIBAL: *sighs dreamily* Ahhhh, yes. The spandex. Well, you don't think I'm going to dress them in frumpy t-shirts, do you? I wanted something ..... a little tighter ..... which shows a little more .....

BA: Why'd you send for me anyway?

HANNIBAL: *blushes* I wanted to get to know you better.

BA: *rolls his eyes* I'm straight, man!

HANNIBAL: Oh come now, BA. Don't be coy. We are not homo-sapien. We are homo-sexual.

STOCKWELL: Cut! Cut ! CUT CUT CUT CUT!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is this!! Where'd this script come from?

HANNIBAL: What are you talkin' about?????

STOCKWELL: *strides over and brings script to Hannibal* Homosapien-superier!!! Not homosexual!! Jeez, can't you read??????

HANNIBAL: *lights cigar* what's the difference, Stockwell. After all, we all hoe weeds for the county.

STOCKWELL: *groans* I need a new cast. Okay, enough is enough. Lets go to the ending scene. Better make this one good Hannibal else I'll put you guys in a jail cell the size of a mustard jar!.

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SCENE FIVE: BATTLE!

MURDOCK: *watches Decker approach cautiously* What do you want, Magneto?

DECKER: I want your precious Professeur!! I want to kill him!!

MURDOCK: You know, as a good guy, I can't let you do that.

DECKER: Then I'll have to kill you to get to the man.

....... DECKER AIMS A PUNCH AT MURDOCK WHO FREEZES IT WITH SOME TERRIBLE SPECIAL EFFECTS WHICH MAKE MOVIES FROM THE FIFTIES SEEM REALISTIC.

DECKER: Awwwwwww, my hand!!!!!!!

STOCKWELL: What's up now, CUT!

DECKER: My hand!! Hannibal turned up the freezing machine!

........... HANNIBAL SMIRKS, HOLDING THE END OF THE MACHINE LIKE A NAUGHTY SCHOOL BOY.

STOCKWELL: Enough!!!! Fuck me!!! Your all a pile of dogshit!!! *shreds script with his bare hands*

........ STOCKWELL LEAVES SET, PISSED OFF.

HANNIBAL: I guess that makes me Director, then. *lights cigar*. I love it when a plot makes a director fall apart.


TO BE CONTINUED WHEN STOCKWELL GETS OVER HIS BARNEY AND RETURNS TO THE MOVIE SET.