GA Price

TITLE: Behind the Scenes: The Making of Aliens

AUTHOR: Hannurdock

RATING: PG

WARNINGS:Definitely InsaNe!

STORY TYPE: Script

CATEGORY: AU, Humour

LENGTH: One-Off

DISCLAIMER: The characters are property of Cannell and company. 


Cast;
Flight Officer Ripley - Murdock
Colonel Barney - Hannibal
Private Shakes - BA Baracus
Second Lieutenant Starback - Tempelton Faceman Peck
Major Perry - The "mysterious" Mr Perry from some dept I can't remember (check One More Time)
Captain Sloan - Colonel Decker


****


CREDITS: ........ PRODUCTION COMPANY ... STOCKWELL CORPORATION .............. PRODUCER ... STOCKWELL ................ CO PRODUCER ... STOCKWELL ....................WARDROBE ... ARMANI (Face wanted it that way) .................... EXTRA'S ... THE VA .................... CAMERA'S ... MR X & CO. (Some big dude from The X-Files that no-one ever really found out the identity of)


Introducing Colonel Lynch as "The Robot" .......


****


READY ..... AIM (the camera, Mr X, not the pistol) ....... ACTION ......

Space. The final frontier. This the story of the crew of the A-Teamaster Spacecraft. Their continuing mission to explore strange new worlds. To boldly go where only The A-Team would dare to explore ......

-------- AN OUTRAGEOUSLY LOUD SOUNDTRACK HERE --------

MURDOCK: *yawn* Space patrol is so boring, got any tea, Face?

FACE: I have some tea made out of the upper branches of the trees of the Lunpon Planet, you know, the one where Boomer made all those ......"

MURDOCK: Shhhhhh, wrong Fandom Face. That's BSG.

FACE: Ah, sorry.

STOCKWELL: Cut, I said CUT, CUT, CUT!!!! I can't believe how crap you guys are at acting! Geez, Face I know you are doing BSG as well, but can you possibly get your mind on the job here! I aint paying overtime for you guys.

HANNIBAL: Yeah, liven up Lieutenant. I want to get this show on the road so I can rise to greater things. I want to star in the sequel to Aquamaniac, not be having these co-starring parts.

FACE: Okay, okay. I'll try. But it does get really confusing.

STOCKWELL: Okay .... ACTION

-------- AN OUTRAGEOUSLY LOUD SOUNDTRACK HERE --------

MURDOCK: *yawn* Space patrol is so boring, got any tea, Face?

FACE: I have some tea made out of the upper branches of the trees of the Lunpon Planet, you know, the one where Private Shakes got all those small egg type things"

MURDOCK: Hmmmm, that's very odd. Did Col Barney explain why we needed those weird things?

FACE: Nope. They were throbbin' when we found them. Wonder what ........

SCENE CHANGE ....... RED LIGHTS START FLASHING ........ ALARM, ALARM, ALARM

MURDOCK: Quick Starback, get the controls of this bird, I'll find out what's going on.

.......... FACE EXCHANGES POSITIONS WITH MURDOCK. A SMALL UNSPOKEN GLANCE IS SHARED BETWEEN THEM AS THEY THINK IT IS THE LAST TIME THEY WILL EVER TALK.

..... MURDOCK RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND INTO THE SUCK-BAY. CALLED SUCK BECUASE IT SMELLS OF ANTISEPTIC, CLEANSING LOTION AND OTHER FOUL SMELLING SUBSTANCES. IN OTHER WORDS .... IT SUCKS. MURDOCK GASPS AT A MAN WHO IS LYING ON THE GROUND WITH A CREATURE ON HIS FACE AND BADLY DONE SPECIAL EFFECTS TO MAKE IT SEEM AS IF AN ALIEN HAS EATEN HIS STOMACH.

MURDOCK: Private Shakes! Come on, wake up!! wake up!!!. *Sob* Please!!!

BA: Shhhh, crazy foo' Supposed to be dead remember? Only pretend though.

STOCKWELL: CUT, CUT, CUT!!! Jesus! I thought Michael Knight was bad when we filmed the End to Kitt the Car episode. Would you get a grip Murdock? Its just pretend. BA isn't really dead!

MURDOCK: Glad yer back with us ya big ugly mudsucka!

STOCKWELL: Get a grip!!! Okay, ready with the camera there Mr X?

MR X: *just nods gravely. he knows all this is part of a larger picture, something behind the government that Mulder must discover, before it is too late. but if they don't hurry up on filming, Scully might get stung by a vicious bee and killed before he can reach them. oh well, some things never change*

STOCKWELL: Okay, lets get this sucker in the can people. Back to the fetal position, BA. Lights, Camera........ ACTION!!

MURDOCK: Private Shakes! Oh my god! He's dead. Where's Colonel Barney?"

...... A SMALL PATTERING OF FEET ALARMS MURDOCK AND HE TURNS, GRABS A FLASHLIGHT AND SHINES IT DOWN A LONNNNNNNNNNG CORRIDOR.

MURDOCK: Colonel Barney? *starts wandering down the corridor*

...... MURDOCK HEARS THE TINY FEET PATTERING AND MOVES TOWARDS THE SOUND ...... SUDDENLY ...... HE BASHES INTO FACE!!!

MURDOCK: Lt Starback! You wanna give me a heart attack? What's going on here?

FACE: Ripley, Colonel Barney is dead! Sliced open with a brutal looking weapon from the future which hasn't even got a name yet! What do we do????

MURDOCK: *gravely* show me Colonel Barney.

...... FACE AND MURDOCK WALK CAUTIOUSLY ARM-IN-ARM DOWN CORRIDOR AND COME ACROSS HANNIBAL LYING WITH ANOTHER TERRIBLE MAKE UP JOB, TRYING TO KEEP STILL AND GOING PURPLE HOLDING HIS BREATH.

MURDOCK: Did you hear that?

FACE: *nods* The sound came from over there.

..... WALKS OVER TO A LARGE UNIT WITH A DOOR HANDLE. MURDOCK REACHES OUT, DELIBERATELY SLOWLY AS TO MAKE THE MOST SUSPENSE, AND ...... OPENS THE DOOR!!

FACE: *relieved* Major Perry and Capt. Sloan!! What on earth are you two doing in that unit?

PERRY: shhhhh, something completely indiginous is wandering through this craft. It was released through Private Shakes and almost got us. What do we do Ripley?

MURDOCK: I don't know. But Colonel Barney was ripped to shreds not torn open from the insides. I reckon there is something else on this ship besides us and the alien. *Turns to face the camera equipment, and eyes lock on Stockwell* something alien and evil, with a stony heart and a vicious nature. Something which would destroy even the innocent to get their own way ....

FACE: *Prods him in the ribs* So what do we do?

MURDOCK: We find the cuprit.

.....THEY GO BACK THE WAY THEY CAME ... MYSTERIOUSLY THE BODIES OF HANNIBAL AND BA ARE NO LONGER TO BE FOUND. IN FACT THEY ARE HAVING A TEA AND BUSCUIT BREAK BEHIND THE CAMERAS.

DECKER: *suddenly screams and lurches forward as his head is whipped back by an unknown force* arrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh.

MURDOCK: What the hell was that, Starback? Quick, we have to help him!

LYNCH: Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate ..........

FACE: *grabs Lynch by his right leg and pulls*

MURDOCK: * grabs Lynch by his left leg and pulls*

..... LYNCH IS TORN APART BY THE OPPOSING FORCES AND SPITS OUT SOME MILK ONTO THE FLOOR. MILK OOZES OUT OF HIS WOUNDS. BA LICKS HIS LIPS. HANNIBAL RUBS HIS HEAD CONFUSED. HE THOUGHT ONLY LITTLE GIRLS WERE MADE OUT OF MILK AND SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL THINGS NICE .....

FACE: Ripley!!! Look what's happened! Its the robot! The robot tore Colonel Barney to shreds!!

..... SUDDENLY ....

MURDOCK: Starback! Sloan! Don't move!

....... BOTH MEN STAND STILL WATCHING MURDOCK IN FEAR. A HUGE, BADLY CONSTRUCTED AND SMOKING ALIEN RISES UP BEHIND THEM.

MURDOCK: RUNNNN!!!!!

...... MURDOCK RUNS INTO A SMALLER ROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEFORE THE ALIEN CAN ENTER. DECKER DOES THE SAME, PUSHING PERRY IN FRONT OF HIM. FACE HIDES UNDER THE FLOOR GRATES AND WATCHES THE CREAKING ALIEN APPROACH WITH FEARFUL EYES.

....... ALIEN STRIDES AROUND THE ROOM "LIKE A NOISY ARCHANGEL LOOKING FOR A LOST SWORD" Copyright Anne Rice 2000. IT CATCHES SIGHT OF FACE HIDING BENEATH THE FLOOR AND RAISES THE GRATE.

FACE: AWWWWWWAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk.

MURDOCK: Get away from him you bitch!

.... ALIEN TURNS AS MURDOCK EMERGES FROM THE DOORWAY IN A LOADER, COMPLETE WITH WELDER AND "Mr Sheen" (Brand Product). ALIEN LURCHES FORWARD AND MURDOCK & ALIEN BECOME LOCKED IN A DEADLY COMBAT.

....... MURDOCK FORCES ALIEN TO CONVIENIENT AIRLOCK AND STARTS PUSHING MANY BUTTONS. FINALLY AIRLOCK BEGINS TO OPEN SLOWWWWWWLLLLLY.

........ BA AND HANNIBAL GRAB MASSIVE FANS AND AIM THEM THROUGH THE MAKESHIFT AIRLOCK (taking special care that they are out of filming range). MURDOCK PUSHES ALIEN FORWARD AND THROUGH THE AIRLOCK, ACCIDENTIALLY HIS LOADER GETS TRAPPED AROUND THE ALIEN'S FOOT WHICH HAS RIPPED OPEN AND A VAER'S LEG IS REVEALED UNDERNEATH. MURDOCK SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE SUIT AND LOADER, CLAMBERS OUT OF THE AIRLOCK BACK INTO THE SHIP AND CLOSES THE AIRLOCK AGAIN PUSHING MANY BUTTONS.

MURDOCK *pant* *pant* *pant* Alien .... destroyed .....

FACE: Murdock!!!!! *rushes over to Murdock and throws his arms around the older man*

MURDOCK: Ohhhh, babay!!!

DECKER: *Emerges from door carrying passed out Perry* You lot okay?

MURDOCK *nods* Time to be frozen again for the trip home.

FACE *smiles*

.................................SCENE BREAK .......................

MURDOCK: *ensures the others are in their tubes, before retiring to his own. His cat Daisy is sleeping at the foot of the tube already* Next time you little shit head. I'm leaving you behind! *Murdock says angrily, annoyed becuase the cat has just been eating all the time, he is unaware that the cat has been inpregnated by a lustful alien queen*

..... THE MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY ....... THE CAMERA'S PAN OVER THE TUBES BEFORE PANNING OVER THE SHIP (A small scale model) AND CREDITS APPEAR .....

CREDITS: ........ PRODUCTION COMPANY ... STOCKWELL CORPORATION .............. PRODUCER ... STOCKWELL ................ CO PRODUCER ... STOCKWELL ....................WARDROBE ... ARMANI (Face wanted it that way) .................... EXTRA'S ... THE VA .................... CAMERA'S ... MR X & CO. (Some big dude from The X-Files that no-one ever really found out the identity of)

Introducing Colonel Lynch as "The Robot" .......

STOCKWELL: Okay you guys, its a wrap!

HANNIBAL: Good! Just in time for Aquamaniac and the People of Zorb.

BA: Waste of milk if ya ask me.

FACE: Awwwww, come on BA. Its called special effects.

MURDOCK: Neato.

STOCKWELL: Mr X, camera's off please ......

MR X: Of course General. But remember, the truth is out there ......


THE END ...... (?)


........ COMING SOON ....... ALIEN RESURRECTION ........